Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.