Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
