neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
