I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
