i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
