you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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