you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
