Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
