Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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