I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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