sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
