i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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