i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
