ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
