He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Randomize
