Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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