dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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