Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
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