Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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