dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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