I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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