I am spending my child support on dildos
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
