woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
