when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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