I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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