I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
