I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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