there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
