Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
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Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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