so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
