I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I need to calm my uterus...
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
