dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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