A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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