one word: firstdatebathroomanal
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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