Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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