Welp...herpes.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
