If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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