theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
