He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
