Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
