Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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