I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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