pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
