I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
