He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
