just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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