Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
