Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
