You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
