I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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