We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I love how my cats smell like pot.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
