mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
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Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
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He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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