sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
