if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
