Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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