just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Randomize
