Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
